Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
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My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Best seat on the street 😍
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.