I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
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Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW