Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
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[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.