“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
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Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying