“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I only eat vegetarians.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
