hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
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*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
💁🏻♂️
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?