[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
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“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress