“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
You Might Also Like
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡