If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
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Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
this was the best i’ve ever seen