[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
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Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Whisper out to librarians!
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader: