[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
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Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
This took me a second..
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*