@iAmDelFreaky
@djdarrellripley Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
You Might Also Like
@djdarrellripley 
@maebemarbles *crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
@kryzazzy Them: Just act casual
Me:
@markydoodoo FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
@suecorvette if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
@squirrel74wkgn The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
@cepheusjackson WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
@Ginjarella #catsoftwitter
@Book_Krazy [interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
@SavageDabs69 Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.