I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

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Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…


FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.


if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes


The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.


WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.


HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging


Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.