I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
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Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting