@iAmDelFreaky

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

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@djdarrellripley

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

@markydoodoo

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

@suecorvette

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

@squirrel74wkgn

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

@cepheusjackson

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

@Book_Krazy

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

@SavageDabs69

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.