Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
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[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
March 16
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans