March 16
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My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*