March 16
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WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
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I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
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I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
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i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My plans: 2020:
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8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.