March 16
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I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
me as a parent
*weighs self after shaving
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Oh, I bet you would be
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh