two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
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I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
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Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
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[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
they split up moments later
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Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
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Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood