two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
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HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.