two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
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If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
At least my masseuse has my back.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
The asteroid..
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited