Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
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there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
tourist season
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Basically.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential