dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
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Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
So sick of all these stupid rules