*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
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The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
it be like that
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.