I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
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me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.