I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
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“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.