Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
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In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*