friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
You Might Also Like
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
hi why am I like this