I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
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Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators