I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
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My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free