Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
where the womens at?
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list