Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’![]()
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[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.