A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
You Might Also Like
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.