Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
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me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Breaking news:
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?