the only bumper sticker ill allow
You Might Also Like
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
my professor scared me for a second
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s