Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
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a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
when you are just born a rebel
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.