*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
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AM I BEING GASLIT????
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Spider-cat: No One Home
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket