Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
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They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
My dad is at it again
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
oh you wanna fight?!
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
So creative 😂
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what