Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!