Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
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I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
This is Sparta
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets