For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
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My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now