Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
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[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
guilty
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition: