me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
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Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*