Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
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“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.