Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
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[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.