@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.