Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

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In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.


We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.


a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected


You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.


Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.


Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.


[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”


I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.


“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th


If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU