@noog

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

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@sween

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

@calluptome

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

@prawn_meat

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

@TheCatWhisprer

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

@XplodingUnicorn

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

@houffy

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

@DanMentos

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

@Defiant_Doll

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

@girl_a_whirl

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

@kelkulus

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU