@noog

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

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@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

@rorygneesmith

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

@pplwtching

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

@dafloydsta

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

@osoplain

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

@LoveNLunchmeat

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

@Book_Krazy

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.