If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
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I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
How is it still this week?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.