When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
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“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand