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I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.