During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
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Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
This is a bad sign
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.