[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
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If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best