Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
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*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.