Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
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Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.