Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
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You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Previously On Persistence 😎
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My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.