Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.