Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
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Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.