Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.