My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
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therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
My wedding will be open casket.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.